My story begins with an attempt at suicide.
After 2 bottles of cheap red I decided that I wasn’t going to bother expending another second more of energy resisting what the world was dishing out at me and considered the option of taking my own life. This would have been a tragedy and a sad tale for most but for me it was just another step along the path of being Fat Broke & Stupid. I went into the back yard with rope and bucket in hand and proceeded to string myself up to the nearest sturdy tree.
Having wallowed in self-pity for a whole afternoon and then drowned the pity in booze perhaps my decision-making faculties weren’t all together functional at the time.
I found my fateful tree, a fine sturdy fellow. I almost sobered up trying to throw the rope over the nearest branch……It would have been a funny sight….This middle aged pissed idiot trying to throw a rope over a tree branch.
A sober person perhaps would have noticed the white ants nest at the end of the selected branch…Nooo…..When all was attached to neck and upon high on our bucket…we slips off and proceeds to hang ones self….
The next thing I remember is looking up at the tree trying to fixate a point of reference as to how I ended up on my back. All of a sudden a sharp pain on the back of my head started filtering into my conciousness…….Then lots of stinging sensations all over my body…I looked down at my torso and discovered I was covered in nasty green ants that were truly pissed that I had landed on their nest and proceeded to vent their rage on my unprotected body….Throwing my arms in the air I up and ran like the devil slapping at the little demons as I went….Through the back gate I ran at speed…..Then like I’d been shot at point-blank in the face with a 12 gauge shot-gun my progress came to a sudden and painful holt.
The reality of the situation was now evident….I had broken the branch I had strung myself to and it had landed on my head knocking me out…hence why I was lying on my back….Information I could have used earlier…. Running whilst still tied to the branch was the deliverer of my next blow….The branch got caught in the gateway and like an anchor and it pulled me up…Horizontilly…again I was on my back….as the pain kicked back in from the relentless green ant bites that were increasing in intensity I freed myself from my shackles jumped the pool fence and happily splashed into the freezing water….it was winter.
So there I was…sober…bruised…wet…cold…STUPID
Was I serious about suicide??..not conciously…Would I attempt that again….No…hmmmm…maybe…There is more than one way to get yourself killed…but nothing quite as amusing….
What I did get out of this lesson was that life is supposed to be fun and you should be able to laugh at your own stupidity. That’s where it ends…Harden the F up and get into life…Yes it can be hard…Yes it can seem like there is nothing you can do to make things better…and yes it is YOU that is in control of all of it….Yes it is YOU that is responsible for what happens next….